Day One

Coming up for a title for this post was difficult so I made it plain, I made it simple, Day One…quite simply the most appropriate and significant day in recent times. So what’s been going on? A lot actually…I have changed jobs since I last checked in, my relationship is going along swimmingly (I’m engaged now!) My best friend and his partner have moved up here so I now have friends again that I can see and do things with, and yet somehow in the last 12 months I have put on 15kgs and sunk into what I thought was a “rough patch” after 6 months of roughing it I realised last week that this was no patch, this was my old friend depression rearing his ugly head again. Knocking on the doors of my mind and invading like an unwanted squatter clouding my thoughts and judgement.

I have gone from a t shirt size of M to a now XXL in a 2 year period. At first I palmed it off as “relationship weight” you get comfortable, you stop going to the gym as much, you go out on dinner dates more and generally just enjoy each other and it was an amazing time. I genuinely loved getting to know my partner and spending time together doing what we love. It was the most amazing and exciting time of my life and I loved every second of it. During this time though the gym sessions went down from 5 times a week to 3 times a week to one to eventually none. Blaming busy schedules and comfort everything just slipped away and as time flew by and I moved to a sentient job my life spun completely out of control .

During this time I have had a gym membership and I have been going intermittently. I did start to lose some weight earlier this year and things were looking up, however as my schedule got busier and I felt wearier I kept putting my next workout off because I was tired/not in the mood/busy/made other plans/not enough hours in the day/partner needs my attention and every other excuse under the sun that you could ever think of.

So here I am weighing in at the biggest I have ever been in my life 117kgs. I had my first proper gym session yesterday and I was so proud of myself. I completely smashed it and when I got that rush of endorphin and pump all these memories of how addicted to that feeling I used to be came flooding back and something in my mind just clicked. It was like I went into hyper-drive and I knew that this was it, do or die time. When I got home I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a video from a PT that I follow Steve Booth the video spoke at length about how you have to change your standard to lose weight and get fit and basically rise above what other people are doing. Having done a weight loss thing before I know it’s the alcohol and sugar that make me put on weight and I have allowed myself to become that person again who drinks and eats whenever and whatever I want without consequence. I used to be a drinker, I stopped when I lost weight for health and life reasons and now I have allowed myself to slip back down into that drinking lifestyle again.

When looking at what I could possibly do to kickstart this thing I honestly considered lapband surgery, it would be quick, the results would be good and it would force me to portion control. But then how does an easy way out work? I know people that have had it done and they have all put it back on because it doesn’t change lifestyle or bad habits. I considered chinese tea diet of tea 3 times a day for 4 weeks, yeah no sorry my body requires actual food to function and when I lost last time I did it with amazing fresh food and protein. At I weighed my options I knew that the only thing that could actually change my situation was nutrition and exercise. It all boiled down to 2 simple things that I can control and do, but I felt like I needed assistance. I don’t have hundreds of dollars for a personal trainer so as I paroozed Steve’s fitness page there was a 7 day start up transformation program that was free and all online. Without hesitating I signed up and decided that now is my time. I can work with the demons in my mind but I really REALLY want to get my body under control and start implementing self-discipline.

Here begins day one, I had some natural yoghurt and honey for breakfast with a weight loss shake and small coffee (almond milk) I premade chicken breast with broccoli and brown rice for lunch and banana for pre-gym workout later. Thus starts my 7 day transformation that will then continue with a life-long promise to myself that I will NEVER let myself go again. Looks aren’t everything and I know that but I want to look good for me, I want that rush from exercise and pump from working hard and seeing results. This is what I need to push through and motivate me, so not only am I back into exercise but I feel that my blog needs to come back to work through my mind demons to come out the other side.

Here’s to Day One!

 

The Truth

It has been exactly one year that the “12 week Transformation” thing happened, and I found myself reflecting all week upon it. Looking where I am now, what am I doing now, where am I at now and it all affected me. At the time I got down to 84kgs, I was starting to develop actual shaped muscles and believed that having a “good body” would make me feel good about myself, and at the time I thought this was true. Flash forward 12 months later and I actually believe the opposite, I am now 93kgs (yes 9 kilos heavier!) and I am happy.

I am happy that I don’t spend hours everyday at the gym, that I don’t spend what little time I have obsessing over every calorie I consume and what it is doing to my body. I can’t believe that I was ever so selfish and narrow minded that I thought life was about making myself look good to get the approval of other people, and this in lies the real heart of the matter. I was consistently posting “selfie updates” on Instagram, Facebook & Twitter, feeding off the likes and comments, my head swelling and turning into this gargantuan egotistical maniac fuelled by the approval of others, to feel accepted, to feel normal.

It felt like I was back in high school again and definitely not the person I had set out to be. Now before you start jumping to conclusions I met some amazing people and made life-long friendships through doing this, I do not regret what I did, but I do see the holes in it, and know that looking good is not an instant thing that will last forever, it is bloody hard work and not something to be taken lightly.

While it may sound like I am trash talking fitness and losing weight, I have made many life long friends through it, and that is something I will always be grateful for. I am as happy now as I was when I was 9 kilos lighter and that is something that surprised me. So what really does this prove? It proves that you can have be skinny and have a 6 pack if that’s what you want, I don’t want that. Sure I am still going to work on my body but I love food too much to have the “perfect” physique. I am prepared to do enough work to warrant eating burgers and fries, while not being morbidly obese, I am happy with the body I have and that is fine with me.

If you want to kickstart your body, do a 12 week challenge but be prepared to invest your money, your time, your patience for a great kickstart, but be prepared to learn maintenance work to keep the body you have gained, if not it is easy to slip back into old habits. So I guess for me the Truth is that I want working out to be a social thing, so group classes, boot camps and group training sessions are going to be my thing moving forward, it’s where I can make working out fun without being too aggressive about it and maintain my fitness.

What is your truth?

Motivation

So the holidays are over and my birthday is looming closer and closer. (AH! The dreaded over 30’s birthdays) I find myself having “rewarded” myself over the holidays a little too much, and the gym sessions declined to a whole week of nothing, that’s right NOTHING and it was pure fucking bliss. I ate what I wanted, I played video games for hours on end, ate bread with no guilt whatsoever and desert! OH DESERT HOW I MISSED YOU! I gorged on Drumsticks, Puddings, Cakes, Profiteroles and Messina!

I took a week off working out and felt like absolute shit, Like complete and utter crap, I felt slow and tired, I was grumpy living off a constant trans fat high and I was begging to go back to the gym and eat better (well the last part…sort of…) It really showed me just how far I  have come, if you had told me this time last year that I would be craving going to the gym and not eating and playing video games, I would have laughed in your face and called you crazy.

I went back to the gym today and worked so hard, I poured all of my energy and frustrations over my “week off” into my workout and was so happy with the results. Yes I am exhausted, Yes I am a little cranky at my small portion dinner of chicken and brocolli, but I am happy and knowing that 2015 is the year that I will lose ALL of my gut and have defined abs. It is a hard goal to want, but I know I can do it and it all starts with what I do now.

So my birthday is now less than a week away and I have a goal, along with my things to do this year and some other prospects that I can’t say too much about at the moment, things are looking up in 2015, I know that this year I have to DOUBLE the energy, double the effort, double the enthusiasm and passion for life that I had in 2014, and while a lot of it is physical, it really is just a state of mind.

If you are lacking motivation at this most auspicious time of year, don’t let it run dry, don’t do the new year new me thing and get bogged down in the same business that will stop you from becoming the best version of yourself, because above all else, you owe yourself that life.

She’s BACK!

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note : no this is not me or my new look!

What a break! I have been having so much fun exploring my new surroundings and city. I went on a “no carbs left behind tour” of Melbourne and Sydney and realised one morning when I tried to pull my jeans up that they were a lot tighter than they used to be (they still fit!!!) so I did what I know I had to do and weighed myself..I had put on 4 kilos since the challenge, I was actually surprised because I was expecting it to be at least 8 so it was a good news/bad news situation.

Fortunately this put a little fire in my expanding belly and I started to get back to the gym, but this time I was doing it with no motivation, no trainer help, no friend support, I was completely and utterly on my own and it scared the absolute shit out of me. I found myself sitting around having no idea what to do. I would start off on the treadmill, get bored after 10 minutes, then go over to the cross trainer, get bored after 5, go to the weights area and get intimidated by the overflow of hotties and just give up and go home.

This process repeated itself for a few days before I just gave up. I threw my handbag in the river and decided that staying at home and playing video games was a better way to spend my time. Cut to me three weeks later, depression had come slinking back in with his good friend self-doubt and began whispering in my ear “You are not good enough” “Look at you – you fat hypocrite! You have come here and you are NOTHING!” Usually this would send me into a downward spiral of carb loading, chocolate consuming (ok this part I MAY have partaken in!) instead I went to my friends and found solace in complete ignorance, and when I returned I ahd forgotten about the feelings and life carried on. I got back into the gym, I started eating properly again and just as I was in a rhythm, BAM! ! I got hit with a stomach virus, and this was unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. Anytime I tried to eat it just came rocketing out of me (sorry for the visuals!) I spent days in bed, writhing in pain, I couldn’t keep anything down except for dry biscuits and lemonade, which to a foodie is a complete and utter insult.

Anytime I attempted a normal meal, I paid the price, each time getting sicker and sicker and in the end I just had to give in to the sickness and wade it out with lemonade, dry biscuits and gastro-stop. The silver lining was the first morning I emerged from my bed feeling a little bit better I got dressed, looked in the mirror and BAM! Shit I looked good again, I had lost weight and my version of myself was back to where it was 6 months ago. It was just the boost that I needed to get back on track.

I got back to the gym four times one week, then five, then six! My eating portions got back on track. my happiness returned and those extra kilos I put on? Gone! My jeans are looser, my smile is bigger and I did it all by myself.

Whenever I see anyone who hasn’t seen me for six months and they go on and on about the weight loss and my journey etc, it all is so amazing and it still astounds me everyday that I did it, this portion of my journey, this six months has been so crucial, in that I did it all by myself, I didn’t have a trainer hounding me to go the gym 6 days a week, I didn’t have friends cheering me on, asking about my weight loss, my kilos this week, my eating, all I had was me and my brain and my willpower, which is now so much stronger, so much fitter, so much better than it ever was, and I am grateful to myself for pulling myself through, an ordeal that could have gone horribly the other way.

So here is to me, to coming back after what could have been a complete re-bound, to committing to this change for life and for having the sheer determination and will-power to do this and not let depression, anger or hurt get in the way. SHE’S BACK BITCHES!

 

Food For Thought

Last night I had the hunger, the hunger for SCHNITZEL! I wanted it and there was no escaping this craving. I tried exercising, I tried eating my brown rice and chicken breast, praying that my body would accept it as a schnitzel substitute. Ha! Yeah nice try idiot. I barely slept as my stomach growled and begged me to feed it schnitzel, or at the very least more food!

This has NEVER happened to me before, I have never been kept up, deprived of sleep just because of food! What the actual hell? Are you for real brain and body? You seriously haven’t synced up together now and realised that this challenge is real? Also that it is nearly over! Hold out another 11 days you impatient fool. Schnitzel is coming !

I finally fell asleep with only 2 hours before I had to get up and go to work. I stumbled out of bed in the WORST mood I have been in a VERY long time. I apologise now to anyone I had to work with today for my grumpiness and bitchiness today, but I really needed schnitzel!

As I got to work I started to get angry at the challenge, angry that it was restricting from letting me do what I wanted. I got angry that I couldn’t just walk up to a shop and buy a schnitzel wrap. I seriously sat at my desk and nearly cried because I couldn’t have it. I really wish I was joking about this.

I wrote an angry Facebook status update (rookie mistake!) and received comments about putting crushed almonds on chicken (seriously? EW!) and after a vent, a cry and a coffee the world started to look like a better place. I can’t believe I got THAT upset over schnitzel and that I went to this crazy place of cursing out the challenge, fitness and what I am trying to achieve.

I stuck to a chicken salad for lunch and as I finished it I actually began to feel normal again. My body had accepted that this was the food it was getting today and it just had to deal with it, as it has for the last 10 weeks. I hurried back to work with a fresh juice and cried for the second time today because I think I realised that I am a completely different person. The old me would have had a schnitzel last night, doubled it up with bacon and eggs in the morning followed by pasta for lunch along with whatever pastries I could get my hands on during the day. But I did not do this, yes I cried, yes I got upset, yes I questioned myself but I didn’t give in .

Holy crap I have changed, this has actually had a positive effect on me. Really? Wow. After the blind rage and fury I was feeling this morning, it had all gone away because I didn’t go there and instead of chose to make those good food decisions that I have been lacking for the last 30 years. When put into that mentality, it really did shift my thinking and although I am not quite up to almond chicken yet, my friend did give me an amazing recipe for fruit sorbet.

This is what I have come to realise today, food and appetite are linked to your brain, that’s right your brain. Your body can trick your brain into thinking I need schnitzel, or ice cream, or comfort but I have to have the strength to say no, no you don’t! Have this salad and like it god damn it ok! Control your thoughts, control your body.

 

Holy Shit I Look GOOD

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This week I tried to do one thing, to not look or talk about myself in a negative manner. This lasted about 2 minutes before the thoughts of self loathing and hate crept back in and surprise surprise, I found myself heading down the usual shame spiral. So I decided to take it one step further and buy some “fitted” clothes, as of now all of my clothes hang off me and look like they belong to a clown.

Off I went after work to Zara in Bondi to try some fitted clothes for work, I went 2 sizes down what I normally would and guess what? They fit and they look AMAZING! I know it sounds braggy but it’s true! I looked in the mirror and for the first time I am going to say in my life, I was happy with how I looked. I took a selfie (of course!) to capture the moment and I can’t stop looking at it.

Today I dared to tempt fate and on my exercise route, ran down Oxford Street to Daly Male and tried on two shirts that are M..that is M for MEDIUM and while in the change room praying for them to fit, they easily slid over my head and didn’t cling to me. They fit perfectly. Now here is the embarrassing part, I first of all screamed, and then I cried, and I don’t mean a few lovely tears and a nodding glance to the sky, I mean I broke down in the dressing room and sobbed. I covered my mouth and tried to stifle them as much as I could, seriously who am I?

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I managed to compose myself enough to walk out of the shop with the two t shirts and run straight home to try them on again to make sure that they still fit and it wasn’t some crazy coincidence. This is actually working and I look good! I got a hair cut, new clothes to match my new body and I can honestly say that it was worth every missed ice cream night, every hamburger I skipped, all the time I spent working out when I could have been doing other things has been completely worth it.

It is scary to think that there is only 3 weeks of this challenge left! I can’t imagine how it is going to end, but I am happy with the effort I have put in, and the results I have already are blowing my mind.

Back To The 80’s

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Apologies for the darkness of the last post, I did consider deleting it but I think every step of this journey is important and should be remembered that way. This morning I had to do a weigh in and I was really worried about this one. This week I did the least gym work I have done in the challenge and the weigh in debacle the other night scared the life out of me. So I got on the scales this morning……..88.1! That’s right 88.1!!! That means in the last 7 weeks I have lost 13 kilos!

WOW! I cannot fathom just how much that is! While I was disappointed hoping for the big 15 kilos, I still have to take it in my stride and it is enough to keep going with this challenge and hopefully reach my goal weight of 85. I went to boot camp this morning and left exhausted and it wasn’t until I got home that I realised I am back in the 80’s! I can’t even remember the last time I was in this weight range! I am so happy right now and proud of myself for pushing through this week,even though it was really tough.

Thank you to my friends and family for helping me get through this week and this whole entire thing. I know that I haven’t been any fun to be around or deal with so I thank you.

 

4 kilos down…

So here it is, week 4, nearly at the month mark, I am 4 kilos lighter but am sore in every part of my body, tired and grouchy all the time but I am starting to feel a difference. My pigeon like chest has started forming muscle mass and while they are hardly pumping pecs, they are a lot better than what they were. 

What is surprising me most of all is how much my mind is taking a beating as well, I know that my mind is strong and can withstand anything after what I have been through, but this is really taking a toll. I am finding myself just completely shattered when I get home, not just physically but my brain is just complete mush. I am going to bed earlier and the constant ache in my body is starting to get annoying, especially when at work in a physical job all day. 

This morning as I munched on a brownie I forbid myself an hour earlier from eating I got to thinking about everything that has changed in the last four weeks, I barely recognise the person I am now and if I keep at this in 6 months time imagine what my life will be like, even 12 months! 

There is a lot that is going to change in my life in the next few months, and although it is really frightening, I do recognise that I have become comfortable and complacent and this is not a good thing. Anyone who knows me personally will know that I am not good at waiting for things, I keep getting told “You have to wait for the right time” “Things happen when they are meant to, you cannot make it happen” I am starting to find that this is a complete load of shit. My plans for my future are controlled by me and while my body and mind may be exhausted and going through big changes, I cannot sit back and just let it happen anymore. 

So here is to writing more, to loving more, to connecting more, to doing more of what I love, to take a massive leap of faith and do the thing that I want to do.