Day One

Coming up for a title for this post was difficult so I made it plain, I made it simple, Day One…quite simply the most appropriate and significant day in recent times. So what’s been going on? A lot actually…I have changed jobs since I last checked in, my relationship is going along swimmingly (I’m engaged now!) My best friend and his partner have moved up here so I now have friends again that I can see and do things with, and yet somehow in the last 12 months I have put on 15kgs and sunk into what I thought was a “rough patch” after 6 months of roughing it I realised last week that this was no patch, this was my old friend depression rearing his ugly head again. Knocking on the doors of my mind and invading like an unwanted squatter clouding my thoughts and judgement.

I have gone from a t shirt size of M to a now XXL in a 2 year period. At first I palmed it off as “relationship weight” you get comfortable, you stop going to the gym as much, you go out on dinner dates more and generally just enjoy each other and it was an amazing time. I genuinely loved getting to know my partner and spending time together doing what we love. It was the most amazing and exciting time of my life and I loved every second of it. During this time though the gym sessions went down from 5 times a week to 3 times a week to one to eventually none. Blaming busy schedules and comfort everything just slipped away and as time flew by and I moved to a sentient job my life spun completely out of control .

During this time I have had a gym membership and I have been going intermittently. I did start to lose some weight earlier this year and things were looking up, however as my schedule got busier and I felt wearier I kept putting my next workout off because I was tired/not in the mood/busy/made other plans/not enough hours in the day/partner needs my attention and every other excuse under the sun that you could ever think of.

So here I am weighing in at the biggest I have ever been in my life 117kgs. I had my first proper gym session yesterday and I was so proud of myself. I completely smashed it and when I got that rush of endorphin and pump all these memories of how addicted to that feeling I used to be came flooding back and something in my mind just clicked. It was like I went into hyper-drive and I knew that this was it, do or die time. When I got home I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a video from a PT that I follow Steve Booth the video spoke at length about how you have to change your standard to lose weight and get fit and basically rise above what other people are doing. Having done a weight loss thing before I know it’s the alcohol and sugar that make me put on weight and I have allowed myself to become that person again who drinks and eats whenever and whatever I want without consequence. I used to be a drinker, I stopped when I lost weight for health and life reasons and now I have allowed myself to slip back down into that drinking lifestyle again.

When looking at what I could possibly do to kickstart this thing I honestly considered lapband surgery, it would be quick, the results would be good and it would force me to portion control. But then how does an easy way out work? I know people that have had it done and they have all put it back on because it doesn’t change lifestyle or bad habits. I considered chinese tea diet of tea 3 times a day for 4 weeks, yeah no sorry my body requires actual food to function and when I lost last time I did it with amazing fresh food and protein. At I weighed my options I knew that the only thing that could actually change my situation was nutrition and exercise. It all boiled down to 2 simple things that I can control and do, but I felt like I needed assistance. I don’t have hundreds of dollars for a personal trainer so as I paroozed Steve’s fitness page there was a 7 day start up transformation program that was free and all online. Without hesitating I signed up and decided that now is my time. I can work with the demons in my mind but I really REALLY want to get my body under control and start implementing self-discipline.

Here begins day one, I had some natural yoghurt and honey for breakfast with a weight loss shake and small coffee (almond milk) I premade chicken breast with broccoli and brown rice for lunch and banana for pre-gym workout later. Thus starts my 7 day transformation that will then continue with a life-long promise to myself that I will NEVER let myself go again. Looks aren’t everything and I know that but I want to look good for me, I want that rush from exercise and pump from working hard and seeing results. This is what I need to push through and motivate me, so not only am I back into exercise but I feel that my blog needs to come back to work through my mind demons to come out the other side.

Here’s to Day One!

 

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The Truth

It has been exactly one year that the “12 week Transformation” thing happened, and I found myself reflecting all week upon it. Looking where I am now, what am I doing now, where am I at now and it all affected me. At the time I got down to 84kgs, I was starting to develop actual shaped muscles and believed that having a “good body” would make me feel good about myself, and at the time I thought this was true. Flash forward 12 months later and I actually believe the opposite, I am now 93kgs (yes 9 kilos heavier!) and I am happy.

I am happy that I don’t spend hours everyday at the gym, that I don’t spend what little time I have obsessing over every calorie I consume and what it is doing to my body. I can’t believe that I was ever so selfish and narrow minded that I thought life was about making myself look good to get the approval of other people, and this in lies the real heart of the matter. I was consistently posting “selfie updates” on Instagram, Facebook & Twitter, feeding off the likes and comments, my head swelling and turning into this gargantuan egotistical maniac fuelled by the approval of others, to feel accepted, to feel normal.

It felt like I was back in high school again and definitely not the person I had set out to be. Now before you start jumping to conclusions I met some amazing people and made life-long friendships through doing this, I do not regret what I did, but I do see the holes in it, and know that looking good is not an instant thing that will last forever, it is bloody hard work and not something to be taken lightly.

While it may sound like I am trash talking fitness and losing weight, I have made many life long friends through it, and that is something I will always be grateful for. I am as happy now as I was when I was 9 kilos lighter and that is something that surprised me. So what really does this prove? It proves that you can have be skinny and have a 6 pack if that’s what you want, I don’t want that. Sure I am still going to work on my body but I love food too much to have the “perfect” physique. I am prepared to do enough work to warrant eating burgers and fries, while not being morbidly obese, I am happy with the body I have and that is fine with me.

If you want to kickstart your body, do a 12 week challenge but be prepared to invest your money, your time, your patience for a great kickstart, but be prepared to learn maintenance work to keep the body you have gained, if not it is easy to slip back into old habits. So I guess for me the Truth is that I want working out to be a social thing, so group classes, boot camps and group training sessions are going to be my thing moving forward, it’s where I can make working out fun without being too aggressive about it and maintain my fitness.

What is your truth?

Motivation

So the holidays are over and my birthday is looming closer and closer. (AH! The dreaded over 30’s birthdays) I find myself having “rewarded” myself over the holidays a little too much, and the gym sessions declined to a whole week of nothing, that’s right NOTHING and it was pure fucking bliss. I ate what I wanted, I played video games for hours on end, ate bread with no guilt whatsoever and desert! OH DESERT HOW I MISSED YOU! I gorged on Drumsticks, Puddings, Cakes, Profiteroles and Messina!

I took a week off working out and felt like absolute shit, Like complete and utter crap, I felt slow and tired, I was grumpy living off a constant trans fat high and I was begging to go back to the gym and eat better (well the last part…sort of…) It really showed me just how far I  have come, if you had told me this time last year that I would be craving going to the gym and not eating and playing video games, I would have laughed in your face and called you crazy.

I went back to the gym today and worked so hard, I poured all of my energy and frustrations over my “week off” into my workout and was so happy with the results. Yes I am exhausted, Yes I am a little cranky at my small portion dinner of chicken and brocolli, but I am happy and knowing that 2015 is the year that I will lose ALL of my gut and have defined abs. It is a hard goal to want, but I know I can do it and it all starts with what I do now.

So my birthday is now less than a week away and I have a goal, along with my things to do this year and some other prospects that I can’t say too much about at the moment, things are looking up in 2015, I know that this year I have to DOUBLE the energy, double the effort, double the enthusiasm and passion for life that I had in 2014, and while a lot of it is physical, it really is just a state of mind.

If you are lacking motivation at this most auspicious time of year, don’t let it run dry, don’t do the new year new me thing and get bogged down in the same business that will stop you from becoming the best version of yourself, because above all else, you owe yourself that life.

Change

Looking back a year ago, I didnt really have much choices, I was living with my parents at the grand old age of 30, I was working in a coffee shop, barely making it by and convinced I would be there, working away in a place that bred unhappiness and despair. I found myself with no choices, go to work, get paid, hang out with friends, go to the movies and that was really about it. I wanted choice, I wanted options, I wanted more but somehow I was completely unable to obtain it. I had locked myself away and become the person that I never wanted to be.

Flash forward 12 months and I find myself surrounded by choice, II now live in Sydney in a much nicer apartment than I ever have before, I have options to travel to other states (and live if I wanted to!) A plethora of opportunities have opened up to me, all because I was brave enough to say yes to the choice offered to me 12 months ago, it was the only choice that I could see in my future, it was the only one available and I knew that I had to do it and be completely and utterly alone for the first time in a long time.

So I made it, I made the move, and for the first 6 months it was hell, I had no friends, all I did was work and then go home every chance I got to spend time with the friends I used to have, not realising that everybody moves on, I think this is our fundamental flaw as humans, we want change in our own lives but struggle when it comes to other people having and accepting change we want everything to always be the same, and never change which is an impossible task inside itself as really we can not expect or ask this of anyone.

When it comes down to it, choices are something we take for granted, I used to be the whingy whiner guy, always complaining about my life, the fact that I never went anywhere or did anything, and it wasn’t until I looked at myself and realised that I was the one stopping these choices and these good things from coming into my life. I had choices, but I was not open to them, I was crying out for choice, without realising it was already in front of me, and all I had to do was reach out and take it. This is easier said than done mind you, taking a risk and a chance on an unknown choice is fun to say and to write about, but when you have to make that step and be completely alone, you start to analyse and realise things about yourself. It forces yourself to look inside and take a long hard look at yourself and that’s when (to quote my favourite author Liz Gilbert) the “aha!” moment happens. What the hell was I whining about? I had choices all along, I was just too scared and too weak to make any of them and realised that this is not a new revelation, this is a pattern, a constant cycle of madness that has surrounded me my entire life, I have always made bad choices, in everything, life, relationships, cars, career, coffee shops, but this was the time that I chose to stand up and say no longer will I be in a victim state, no longer will I continue to believe that I have n choice.

I live in one of the most open and choice riddled countries on the planet, my vote counts, my feedback is appreciated by others, to quote Homer Simpson “I’m a middle age white male, everybody listens to me” this may sound pompous and arrogant but it is funny just how accurate this statement is, and I have been running from it my whole life. Why don’t I want the world to open up to me? Why don’t I believe that my opinion and thoughts can contribute to society and the world? Why? Because we live in a culture built on fame, on celebrity, on “the beautiful people” and unless you are naked, spouting champagne over your head while balancing a glass on your butt, any opinion or thought will never “break the internet”

But this will not stop me, I come from a family that believe that their opinion cannot change anything, my mum is constantly avoiding conversations about current events and politics as in her mind “We can’t do anything about it anyway” and this maddens me, it frustrates me so much, to think that this strong and outspoken woman could truly believe this. IF anyone was going to stand up and listen, they would stand up and listen to her.

Choosing to do what is best for you is never easy, everyone will always have opinions and thoughts about what they think you should do based on their own personal beliefs and cultural laws that exist within our society. I do have a small select group of people I to go for advice about decisions and choices that I am considering in my life, but they will never provide me with the definitive answer to what I should do, these select few offer a balanced and two sided point on things and it has taken years to find the right people for the right advice.

At the end of the day, the only person who has to live with your choices is you, I guess the point of this is we all have choices, what we wear, where we work, where we live, who we date, who we hang out with, what media we consume, what Karashian to obsess over, it all comes down to the one simple question that I repeat to myself day after day, Can you live with the choices you make?

Goodbye Fatty!

Everything has a time, when I started this blog I was in a place of turmoil, I was so confused and lost and was changing who I am inside and about. That time I feel has come to a close, I am a completely different person and I don’t think I need to go into the details about that (it is already all here!) So what happens now? Like every story, every journey, life goes on and so does our journey. I really feel like this blog was relevant for a chapter in my life, but now that chapter has closed and I feel like I am prolonging by updating on here. So instead I will import all of these posts into my personal blog and leave it in a separate section as a chapter of my life that has now closed, but one that I will always look back upon with fond memories and will never forget the journey I went through and learning that change only comes by being brave, by sacrificing everything you have.

Thank you for reading, for commenting, for clicking. If you want to keep in touch my personal blog is here this one will be closing in a few days.

 

Happy Anniversary!

Holy shit! Sorry to open this post so crass-like but those are the two words that circulated my mind the whole way to work this morning as it dawned on me that it has been exactly one year since I started my fitness journey.  One year ago today I bravely asked a regular customer what his gym was like and thought yeah maybe I could do this, and really since then – well you pretty much know the rest. I met Levi which led me to meet some of the most amazing, inspirational and dear friends and really the rest is history. I don’t want to go too much into the in’s and out’s as you probably already know them through the intimate and sometimes too much information contained in this blog. So what is going on in my head now that it has been a year since I started on this crazy journey, well I am still going at it one year later and I have never ever done that before. So let’s recap the stats…

November 7 2013 – 108 KGS   November 7 2014 – 84kgs

November 7 2013 – T-Shirt Size XL November 7 2014 – S

November 7 2013 – Pants Size 38/40  November 7 2014 – Size 32

To say that I have come a long way is an understatement! Just looking at these figures just blows my mind and I feel so proud of what I have accomplished. But of course as much as you have to do by yourself, there is no actual way I could have EVER done it without the support of SO MANY PEOPLE! So as much as I count this a personal victory and achievement, I actually view it as a joint effort. The following are people who I love and hold dear to my heart and this one year anniversary special is for you beautiful people who showed me the person I was inside and unleashed him and made me the person I am today. No thank you is ever too much, no gift is big or expensive enough, and I will never stop being grateful. So this goes out to the following (in no particular order!) : Ingrid, Kara, Hannah, Liz, Corinne, Carol, Levi, Kale, Belinda, Hannah, Sophie, Tim, Grantley, Mark, Michelle,Dante, Bianca, Dom, Nicole, Ryan, Mama Deb, Emily, Holby, Shay, Scott, Keryn and my parents for living with the nightmare that I was at the time. The endless phone calls of what the hell am I doing, to the time I broke down because all I wanted was a chicken schnitzel.

For 4 months I took a time out from being a complete fat pig and sloth and learnt about weight loss, fitness, muscle building and the most important thing I think I have ever learnt…FOOD! My relationship with food was always emotional, deeply emotional, dependent and horribly toxic. I had combined this with an alcohol addiction that I kicked a year and a half before that and now had come full circle to deal with my body, the one thing that always dragged me down and had me singing songs like “Big Girl You Are Beautiful” and all that other love yourself regardless of what you look like stuff, but what I didn’t know is that your inside doesn’t automatically reflect on your outside, like everything else in this life you have to work for it and I had no idea just how hard I would have to work to get it. We all know the months and now well year it has taken to completely transform my body into something that I am well still working on, but ultimately am proud of.

While the physical is important, it is also the mental that has changed so much, I had just finished working for two bosses who helped to smash my self-confidence and make me feel like a complete piece of dirt, this combined with my still lingering depression caused me to reach probably one of the lowest points of my life. I was drifting through life on Zoloft, I used food as a therapy and shut myself away from the world and people, convinced I would be hurt again. Then I started going to the gym, hanging out with people who encouraged and loved me and supported me and I began to change. I realised that I didn’t have to accept things as they are, I didn’t have to just drift from job to job, from day to day and accept that’s how things are, I had to change, I had to shape the life I wanted and I am the only person with the power to do that.

So where am I now? I now reside in Sydney, I have a job I enjoy, I am now taking care of myself all the time, growing in confidence all the time and I would not trade my life for anything in the world. What is next for me? I don’t know to be honest, I have to finish my degree and I will keep working on my body and my writing. I do have an announcement though. . .I learnt so much at boot camp and lost so much sweat and tears and had the absolute best time doing it, and all of this INSPIRED me. So I have decided that I need to take some of what was given to me and pass it on to others, so I am starting my own boot camp! I am about to start qualifications and get the necessary permits etc to start it. It will be boot camp, but it will of course have a twist infused with my personality. It is going to be called “Work Bitch Booty” and will all be set to music, so sort of like Zumba but better music and focus on dance moves that work muscles combined with exercise reps and will not only be a huge workout but will hopefully be a lot of fun as well (if you have any feedback or ideas please let me know!)

That’s it, one year on and I have the life I always wanted thanks to myself, some amazing friends and a lot of hard work – so if you are considering surgery, a magic diet pill or an “easy way out” know this, yes it took me some time to lose the weight, but guess what, I have skills that will keep the weight off and I made a lot of friends, gained confidence and had actual fun while doing it. The other thing that I gained from this is, is one burning question that the writer/journalist in me wondered from the beginning, Can exercise help depression? The conclusion I have come to is this, Yes, yes it does. It ignited me and made me feel like a brand new person and when I looked better, I felt better.

Here is to another year, and all the others to come! Thanks for sticking with me in this blog for a year and I hope you stick around as I plan to update this more.

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She’s BACK!

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note : no this is not me or my new look!

What a break! I have been having so much fun exploring my new surroundings and city. I went on a “no carbs left behind tour” of Melbourne and Sydney and realised one morning when I tried to pull my jeans up that they were a lot tighter than they used to be (they still fit!!!) so I did what I know I had to do and weighed myself..I had put on 4 kilos since the challenge, I was actually surprised because I was expecting it to be at least 8 so it was a good news/bad news situation.

Fortunately this put a little fire in my expanding belly and I started to get back to the gym, but this time I was doing it with no motivation, no trainer help, no friend support, I was completely and utterly on my own and it scared the absolute shit out of me. I found myself sitting around having no idea what to do. I would start off on the treadmill, get bored after 10 minutes, then go over to the cross trainer, get bored after 5, go to the weights area and get intimidated by the overflow of hotties and just give up and go home.

This process repeated itself for a few days before I just gave up. I threw my handbag in the river and decided that staying at home and playing video games was a better way to spend my time. Cut to me three weeks later, depression had come slinking back in with his good friend self-doubt and began whispering in my ear “You are not good enough” “Look at you – you fat hypocrite! You have come here and you are NOTHING!” Usually this would send me into a downward spiral of carb loading, chocolate consuming (ok this part I MAY have partaken in!) instead I went to my friends and found solace in complete ignorance, and when I returned I ahd forgotten about the feelings and life carried on. I got back into the gym, I started eating properly again and just as I was in a rhythm, BAM! ! I got hit with a stomach virus, and this was unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. Anytime I tried to eat it just came rocketing out of me (sorry for the visuals!) I spent days in bed, writhing in pain, I couldn’t keep anything down except for dry biscuits and lemonade, which to a foodie is a complete and utter insult.

Anytime I attempted a normal meal, I paid the price, each time getting sicker and sicker and in the end I just had to give in to the sickness and wade it out with lemonade, dry biscuits and gastro-stop. The silver lining was the first morning I emerged from my bed feeling a little bit better I got dressed, looked in the mirror and BAM! Shit I looked good again, I had lost weight and my version of myself was back to where it was 6 months ago. It was just the boost that I needed to get back on track.

I got back to the gym four times one week, then five, then six! My eating portions got back on track. my happiness returned and those extra kilos I put on? Gone! My jeans are looser, my smile is bigger and I did it all by myself.

Whenever I see anyone who hasn’t seen me for six months and they go on and on about the weight loss and my journey etc, it all is so amazing and it still astounds me everyday that I did it, this portion of my journey, this six months has been so crucial, in that I did it all by myself, I didn’t have a trainer hounding me to go the gym 6 days a week, I didn’t have friends cheering me on, asking about my weight loss, my kilos this week, my eating, all I had was me and my brain and my willpower, which is now so much stronger, so much fitter, so much better than it ever was, and I am grateful to myself for pulling myself through, an ordeal that could have gone horribly the other way.

So here is to me, to coming back after what could have been a complete re-bound, to committing to this change for life and for having the sheer determination and will-power to do this and not let depression, anger or hurt get in the way. SHE’S BACK BITCHES!

 

I’m Still Alive!

That’s right I am still alive! It has been a while since I updated and so much has happened! I am now officially living in Sydney, I lost a few friends, but for everyone I lost I gained a few more so it’s more like I have been losing deadweight. My best friends came home from America, my trainer went to America and while I kind of took a rest from hardcore training and dieting I have still managed to lose another 2 kilos. How? I have no idea! But I’m happy either way.

Life has changed so dramatically, to the point where I barely recognise myself anymore. I am happy, I am content, I am learning, I am growing, I am moving forward and I feel like the person I was this time last 6 years is dead and buried, with no chance of re-emerging as a zombie and I find myself right back in the place where it all started.

This time around however I find myself making completely different decisions that are accelerating me in a different direction and it is the most amazing feeling. I no longer feel trapped or tied down by what other people’s opinions are of what I should be doing, or where I should be going. This time it is purely my decisions and the feeling of independence and not caring what other people think of me is so freeing, I love it.

I feel like I am living my life to the full and taking in as much as I can. The more I reflect on it, the more I am surprised that I spent so long caring about what other people’s opinions were and making life altering decisions based on other people’s opinions of what I should be doing, but I digress.

I guess the point is to say I have had a little rest and I am back into it. I have spent the last week fighting sickness and am ready to get back into it. I have had to find a new gym here and although it will never be the same as my old one, it has amazing views of Sydney Harbour, the opera house and the Harbour Bridge (also it hopes that there are barely any straight guys there!)

This week is going to be a challenge to go back to cutting and hardcore gym work, but truth be told I am looking forward to the feeling of the pump and sinking into my bed at night, my whole body aching from pushing myself.

And the winner is….

10292463_754604687903954_934740430959668191_nIt has been a few weeks since the challenge ended and while my exercise regime has continued, my eating well has definitely not. Gorging on beautiful food has been my reward for this and I must say I can feel days when I eat clean and feel good, and then ones in which there are no holds barred and I feel like absolute arse.

So let’s get to the actual point of this post. The night finally came for the winners to be announced for YNB, I had a room full of supportive friends and was convinced that no way on this actual earth would they ever pick me as the winner for this. So many others have lost so much more weight than I have, and I told myself in my mind that even if I don’t win, I already have. I started this to lose weight and I achieved that, and if that was all that came of it then I would be happy with that.

The photos were being organised and displayed on a massive projector on the wall and the thought of everyone seeing this freaked me out. No-one had clearly drank enough to see these photos!! The name’s were called and as I made my way to the front I realised that this was it, the moment I had been waiting for my whole life, the moment to make a difference, to be something had finally arrived.

The list of name’s were called out and the winner’s announcement….Alaisdair Dewar. What? Seriously? I won the competition for my club? Are you serious?!?!?! I am sorry to say that my speech was fumbled and everytime I tried to do it properly I started crying so I made it short and sweet and stumbled back to my place in the crowd to process what the actual fuck had just happened.

I took photos, smiled, and my reaction was just stillness and complete shock. I went to the bathroom for a few minutes just to sit by myself and process everything. I had a little bit of a cry and realised that it was still all too much to deal with right now. I washed my face and headed back out into the room and lost myself in the laughs and conversation with my friends.

It wasn’t until I got home that what had happened really hit me. I bawled like a little baby, not just a little bit, a lot, full ugly cry, and it was not pretty at all! I had been holding onto so much over this competition and so much in my life has changed, I hadn’t given myself time to process everything just yet. Everytime I tried to stop, the tears just kept coming and it felt like all of the poison, all of the shit, all of the depression, all of the lonlieness, all of the pain was oozing out of my body through my tears and falling away, never to return. As this thought dawned on me I pushed out as many as I could and began mentally letting go of every little naggy thing I was holding onto. Old grudges, bad attitudes, regrets, fears, all kinds of things were pouring out and I was determined to not miss a single one.

As I reflected upon that night and realised that after this whole thing just how much my friends circle, my family situation, my work situation, my personal situation has changed dramatically. I no longer accept bad friends or dodgy, lying backstabbing creeps. I only welcome those who support, uplift and are the very definition of a friend in front of and behind your back. I have successfully gained people in my life who are genuine and care about me and I about them. I am a lot closer with my family now and am feeling the love and support of all of them around me like I never have before.

So I guess this is the lesson – be careful who you let in your life. They can appear genuine and caring and they say all the right things but when push comes to shove they have a completely difference face. Driving back to Sydney I started crying (again!) and I made myself a promise. I promise myself that I will no longer accept this kind of behaviour from people, I will no longer tolerate users and liars, I will distance myself far away from them and to use one of my favourite author’s Elizabeth Gilbert’s analogy of treating our minds like a harbour, I share with you this

I’ve started being vigilant about watchng my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: “I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.” Everytime a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow.

The first time I heard myself say this, my inner ear perked up at the word “harbor”, which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry.I pictured the harbor of my mind – a little beat up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. The island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now let the word go out across the seven seas – there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.

You may not come here any more with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts – all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assasins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways – you may not come here anymore either.

Cannabilistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind – otherwise, I shall turn you all back to the sea from whence you came.

That is my mission, and it will never end.”

I love this quote, I relish this quote, I have been reading it every morning and moulding my thinking in a similar way. So this morning I woke up and decided that the time for tears was over and the time for celebration was to begin. I spent the morning with my new friends exercising, breakfasting and chatting and I sat back and realised that I am actually unbelievably happy right now. I don’t need pills, I don’t need food, I don’t need material things to keep me in a state of happiness, all I need is me. The enormous and empty void that was in my life has shrunk down to nothing now and I feel like for the first time in my life that this the person I am meant to be.

This is the Alaisdair that should have been awakened years ago, this is the Alaisdair that will look after himself, this is the Alaisdair that won’t take your shit any longer, this is the Alaisdair that is going to succeed and be somebody. This is the Alaisdair that is ready to head out into the world and be a fighter.

So I will stop ranting now and leave you with this, it was not until last night reflecting upon photos that I could see a massive difference in how I look. I feel like a completely different person, and while I still have my “feeling fat” days they are few and far between now. My fitness journey is FAR from over and I am hoping for defined abs and some form of pectoral muscles in the next 6 – 8 months (once I go back to clean eating!) So stay with me, I will be updating here still but for now I farewell the 12 week challenge and am excited to move in to the next chapter of my life.

After The End

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So it has been 3 days since the challenge ended and I agreed with my trainer that I should take a week off and give it a rest (but continue training). I tried eating normally on the first day and I made myself sick. I tried pastry and double cappuccino for breakfast, a chicken schnitzel sandwich for lunch and chilli con carne for dinner (complete with sour cream, avocado and corn chips!) It really was a fitting feast, but alas my poor old body could not handle it. I was on the toilet throwing it all up and questioning what the hell has happened to me?

The same thing again happened the day after and so today I went back to oats and a chicken and salad wrap for lunch. My body accepted the small amount of food and was satisfied. What the actual fuck? Meanwhile I am sitting here waiting for thai food and I have a bag FULL of Kartosh bakery waiting for me to watch with Offspring tonight as a treat.

I wasn’t feeling happy when the photos were taken, everyone around me had tans and flat stomachs and all I did was shave my chest and stomach. Make up was being drawn around stomachs to try and make the look of abs appear and I just found the whole thing off putting. This is why I don’t do competitions, I don’t like photos, I don’t like this kind of fierce competition and trickery. I think because also maybe this competition stripped me down not only physically but also mentally and spiritually and I wanted a photo of me, exactly how I am. In fact if the situation wasn’t so weird I would have loved a completely naked photo. This may sound a little weird but it is exactly what I wanted to see.

I can’t stop exercising and sitting idle for too long drives me crazy. The day after the photos came through is when it hit me that I had finished and how much weight I had lost (peep the photo above!) Messages of love and support came flooding through my Facebook page and messages from friends and family made me realise how much this has not just impacted me, but everyone around me. So thank you to everyone who sent a message, a like or comment it has encouraged me greatly.

From now my biggest challenge starts, normal life without the confines and support of the challenge. Going to training and eating properly without having anyone to be accountable to but myself. It is a little scary but for the most part I think I can do it and I am excited for what my future holds. I am giving myself my own personal 6 month challenge, to lost the belly fat completely and have defined abs. Sounds tough and I already know how tough it is going to be. So stick with me! I will still be updating this blog with my progress and anything else I fitness related I can get my hands on.

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