Happy Anniversary!

Holy shit! Sorry to open this post so crass-like but those are the two words that circulated my mind the whole way to work this morning as it dawned on me that it has been exactly one year since I started my fitness journey.  One year ago today I bravely asked a regular customer what his gym was like and thought yeah maybe I could do this, and really since then – well you pretty much know the rest. I met Levi which led me to meet some of the most amazing, inspirational and dear friends and really the rest is history. I don’t want to go too much into the in’s and out’s as you probably already know them through the intimate and sometimes too much information contained in this blog. So what is going on in my head now that it has been a year since I started on this crazy journey, well I am still going at it one year later and I have never ever done that before. So let’s recap the stats…

November 7 2013 – 108 KGS   November 7 2014 – 84kgs

November 7 2013 – T-Shirt Size XL November 7 2014 – S

November 7 2013 – Pants Size 38/40  November 7 2014 – Size 32

To say that I have come a long way is an understatement! Just looking at these figures just blows my mind and I feel so proud of what I have accomplished. But of course as much as you have to do by yourself, there is no actual way I could have EVER done it without the support of SO MANY PEOPLE! So as much as I count this a personal victory and achievement, I actually view it as a joint effort. The following are people who I love and hold dear to my heart and this one year anniversary special is for you beautiful people who showed me the person I was inside and unleashed him and made me the person I am today. No thank you is ever too much, no gift is big or expensive enough, and I will never stop being grateful. So this goes out to the following (in no particular order!) : Ingrid, Kara, Hannah, Liz, Corinne, Carol, Levi, Kale, Belinda, Hannah, Sophie, Tim, Grantley, Mark, Michelle,Dante, Bianca, Dom, Nicole, Ryan, Mama Deb, Emily, Holby, Shay, Scott, Keryn and my parents for living with the nightmare that I was at the time. The endless phone calls of what the hell am I doing, to the time I broke down because all I wanted was a chicken schnitzel.

For 4 months I took a time out from being a complete fat pig and sloth and learnt about weight loss, fitness, muscle building and the most important thing I think I have ever learnt…FOOD! My relationship with food was always emotional, deeply emotional, dependent and horribly toxic. I had combined this with an alcohol addiction that I kicked a year and a half before that and now had come full circle to deal with my body, the one thing that always dragged me down and had me singing songs like “Big Girl You Are Beautiful” and all that other love yourself regardless of what you look like stuff, but what I didn’t know is that your inside doesn’t automatically reflect on your outside, like everything else in this life you have to work for it and I had no idea just how hard I would have to work to get it. We all know the months and now well year it has taken to completely transform my body into something that I am well still working on, but ultimately am proud of.

While the physical is important, it is also the mental that has changed so much, I had just finished working for two bosses who helped to smash my self-confidence and make me feel like a complete piece of dirt, this combined with my still lingering depression caused me to reach probably one of the lowest points of my life. I was drifting through life on Zoloft, I used food as a therapy and shut myself away from the world and people, convinced I would be hurt again. Then I started going to the gym, hanging out with people who encouraged and loved me and supported me and I began to change. I realised that I didn’t have to accept things as they are, I didn’t have to just drift from job to job, from day to day and accept that’s how things are, I had to change, I had to shape the life I wanted and I am the only person with the power to do that.

So where am I now? I now reside in Sydney, I have a job I enjoy, I am now taking care of myself all the time, growing in confidence all the time and I would not trade my life for anything in the world. What is next for me? I don’t know to be honest, I have to finish my degree and I will keep working on my body and my writing. I do have an announcement though. . .I learnt so much at boot camp and lost so much sweat and tears and had the absolute best time doing it, and all of this INSPIRED me. So I have decided that I need to take some of what was given to me and pass it on to others, so I am starting my own boot camp! I am about to start qualifications and get the necessary permits etc to start it. It will be boot camp, but it will of course have a twist infused with my personality. It is going to be called “Work Bitch Booty” and will all be set to music, so sort of like Zumba but better music and focus on dance moves that work muscles combined with exercise reps and will not only be a huge workout but will hopefully be a lot of fun as well (if you have any feedback or ideas please let me know!)

That’s it, one year on and I have the life I always wanted thanks to myself, some amazing friends and a lot of hard work – so if you are considering surgery, a magic diet pill or an “easy way out” know this, yes it took me some time to lose the weight, but guess what, I have skills that will keep the weight off and I made a lot of friends, gained confidence and had actual fun while doing it. The other thing that I gained from this is, is one burning question that the writer/journalist in me wondered from the beginning, Can exercise help depression? The conclusion I have come to is this, Yes, yes it does. It ignited me and made me feel like a brand new person and when I looked better, I felt better.

Here is to another year, and all the others to come! Thanks for sticking with me in this blog for a year and I hope you stick around as I plan to update this more.

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And the winner is….

10292463_754604687903954_934740430959668191_nIt has been a few weeks since the challenge ended and while my exercise regime has continued, my eating well has definitely not. Gorging on beautiful food has been my reward for this and I must say I can feel days when I eat clean and feel good, and then ones in which there are no holds barred and I feel like absolute arse.

So let’s get to the actual point of this post. The night finally came for the winners to be announced for YNB, I had a room full of supportive friends and was convinced that no way on this actual earth would they ever pick me as the winner for this. So many others have lost so much more weight than I have, and I told myself in my mind that even if I don’t win, I already have. I started this to lose weight and I achieved that, and if that was all that came of it then I would be happy with that.

The photos were being organised and displayed on a massive projector on the wall and the thought of everyone seeing this freaked me out. No-one had clearly drank enough to see these photos!! The name’s were called and as I made my way to the front I realised that this was it, the moment I had been waiting for my whole life, the moment to make a difference, to be something had finally arrived.

The list of name’s were called out and the winner’s announcement….Alaisdair Dewar. What? Seriously? I won the competition for my club? Are you serious?!?!?! I am sorry to say that my speech was fumbled and everytime I tried to do it properly I started crying so I made it short and sweet and stumbled back to my place in the crowd to process what the actual fuck had just happened.

I took photos, smiled, and my reaction was just stillness and complete shock. I went to the bathroom for a few minutes just to sit by myself and process everything. I had a little bit of a cry and realised that it was still all too much to deal with right now. I washed my face and headed back out into the room and lost myself in the laughs and conversation with my friends.

It wasn’t until I got home that what had happened really hit me. I bawled like a little baby, not just a little bit, a lot, full ugly cry, and it was not pretty at all! I had been holding onto so much over this competition and so much in my life has changed, I hadn’t given myself time to process everything just yet. Everytime I tried to stop, the tears just kept coming and it felt like all of the poison, all of the shit, all of the depression, all of the lonlieness, all of the pain was oozing out of my body through my tears and falling away, never to return. As this thought dawned on me I pushed out as many as I could and began mentally letting go of every little naggy thing I was holding onto. Old grudges, bad attitudes, regrets, fears, all kinds of things were pouring out and I was determined to not miss a single one.

As I reflected upon that night and realised that after this whole thing just how much my friends circle, my family situation, my work situation, my personal situation has changed dramatically. I no longer accept bad friends or dodgy, lying backstabbing creeps. I only welcome those who support, uplift and are the very definition of a friend in front of and behind your back. I have successfully gained people in my life who are genuine and care about me and I about them. I am a lot closer with my family now and am feeling the love and support of all of them around me like I never have before.

So I guess this is the lesson – be careful who you let in your life. They can appear genuine and caring and they say all the right things but when push comes to shove they have a completely difference face. Driving back to Sydney I started crying (again!) and I made myself a promise. I promise myself that I will no longer accept this kind of behaviour from people, I will no longer tolerate users and liars, I will distance myself far away from them and to use one of my favourite author’s Elizabeth Gilbert’s analogy of treating our minds like a harbour, I share with you this

I’ve started being vigilant about watchng my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: “I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.” Everytime a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow.

The first time I heard myself say this, my inner ear perked up at the word “harbor”, which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry.I pictured the harbor of my mind – a little beat up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. The island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now let the word go out across the seven seas – there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.

You may not come here any more with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts – all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assasins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways – you may not come here anymore either.

Cannabilistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind – otherwise, I shall turn you all back to the sea from whence you came.

That is my mission, and it will never end.”

I love this quote, I relish this quote, I have been reading it every morning and moulding my thinking in a similar way. So this morning I woke up and decided that the time for tears was over and the time for celebration was to begin. I spent the morning with my new friends exercising, breakfasting and chatting and I sat back and realised that I am actually unbelievably happy right now. I don’t need pills, I don’t need food, I don’t need material things to keep me in a state of happiness, all I need is me. The enormous and empty void that was in my life has shrunk down to nothing now and I feel like for the first time in my life that this the person I am meant to be.

This is the Alaisdair that should have been awakened years ago, this is the Alaisdair that will look after himself, this is the Alaisdair that won’t take your shit any longer, this is the Alaisdair that is going to succeed and be somebody. This is the Alaisdair that is ready to head out into the world and be a fighter.

So I will stop ranting now and leave you with this, it was not until last night reflecting upon photos that I could see a massive difference in how I look. I feel like a completely different person, and while I still have my “feeling fat” days they are few and far between now. My fitness journey is FAR from over and I am hoping for defined abs and some form of pectoral muscles in the next 6 – 8 months (once I go back to clean eating!) So stay with me, I will be updating here still but for now I farewell the 12 week challenge and am excited to move in to the next chapter of my life.

Final Essay

Has it really been 12 weeks already? It feels longer some weeks, shorter some, overall the whole thing has flown by, and thankfully so have the results. I remember when I started this thinking holy shit, how am I going to do this? I have been abusing my body for 10 years and it is going to take a lot more than 12 weeks to undo that damage. Those were my initial thoughts, after the first few weeks I would find myself either really happy or really sad. Not sad in a depressed way, but sad in a completely exhausted, ravaging for junk food, training, sweating, smelly mess. All I wanted to do was collapse in a heap and sleep the weekend away in bed – instead I had to do boot camp early on a saturday morning, followed by p.t’s and what seemed like ruthless, never-ending exercise. What I realised this morning is that this has now become a habit, I see my Saturday as an important fitness day for my body, instead of a day off, and this is one of the most noteable changes I can muster to date.

I am no longer the hungover, depressed, gorging mess I was when this challenge started. I don’t relish getting off my face every weekend and spending the weekend recovering with greasy food and movies. I would rather wake up early and spend the morning on the beach, or in a park exercising with friends. I did not think after the first few weeks of walking in bleary eyed, tired, hungry, desperately needing coffee that I would ever stick to it – in fact even look forward to it. As much as I do still complain now 12 weeks later (god help them in winter!) it is something that I won’t give up.

It is no secret that the trick to this challenge and to weight loss is diet. While I cannot lie and say that I never cheated (because um YEAH I DID!) the improvements in my diet are astounding. Who knew I could actually enjoy oats for breakfast? Brown rice with chicken breast and brocolli for lunch? Eating more during the day and less at night seemed like the strangest concept to me and I am proud to say that I think I have my portion sizes right for the first time in my life.

As far as actual exercise and weight loss go – I have put my body through the ringer and pulling it back into line has been no easy feat. I am a whinger by nature (stop nodding and laughing RIGHT NOW VALVO!) My mind gives up long before my body does and mastering that is still a work in progress. Consistently losing both kilos and centimetres off my stomach every week has been the propellant that has fueled my fire during this challenge. Without it I would have given up weeks ago. Consistently heading to P.T sessions, group classes and individual gym sessions has been setting a routine for myself that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I have gone from an XL to a M in shirt sizes, a 38 – 34 (possibly 32 soon!) in pants sizes. My face is considerably slimmer as is my side fat which I am happy to say is pretty non-existent these days. Yes I still have a bit of a belly, but rome wasn’t built in a day. Getting fit is a long term commitment and 10 years of abuse magically go away in a mere 12 weeks.

Internally I have never felt such clarity, I have never felt more together. During the 12 week challenge I left a horrible, shitty job that was dragging me down emotionally and professionally, and plucked up the courage to apply for a job I want and is a career. Fortunately for me after a couple of weeks of horrifying unemployment I was accepted into the position and am now back on track in the career that I want. I have started dating again and am not ashamed to be myself. I love being around people again and don’t feel like the fat, ugly lump everyone is obligatory nice to. I am no longer embarrassed to be seen in public and in photos and it is something that I never thought would happen again.

Like any challenge as much as you do by yourself, it is the people that you surround yourself with that help you on your journey. I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by some of the best people on the planet who have helped me through this journey. If I have forgotten you I apologise in advance.

Levi Valvo – the trainer, creepzilla extraordinaire himself! I am sick of writing nice things about you. So all I will say is this, until I met you I thought I only had one brother. Now I believe I have two. Your patience, your energy, your humour, your belief in me, especially when I didn’t believe in myself goes beyond what anyone else has ever done for me. Thank you for pushing me, while making me laugh the whole time. Never stop believing in the power of what you do and who you are because it is inspiring and I am so glad you are in my life. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Corinne, Sophie and Tahlia – you girls have given me the harsh truth when I needed it (I never did get that schnitzel!)  given me encouragement and kept me sane between exercise and catch ups. It is so good to have honest friends who tell it like it is. Thank you so much.

Hannah Birdy bird – you girl are amazing! So beautiful, so talented, so sexy! You are friends with me through everything and nothing changes that. Thank you for being there for me through fat and thin and my life is so much better because of you.

Pinny & Grant – no-one encourages me with weight loss and to be myself as much as you guys have. It is hard to believe that we have known each other for 5 years now and you have always been there and encouraged me through everything and I will always treasure our friendship no matter where we are in the world.

Dante – your journey started way way back and seemed so impossible when I thought about doing it. Thank you for listening to me when I was frustrated and being “the gay inspirational guy”

To my brother who took my phone calls and is another “harsh truth” person I love you, and I am so happy to say that my pant size is smaller than yours now hahaha! MY sister you crazy freak you make me laugh so much!

To my parents who love me if i’m fat or thin, your encouragement during this and support, even when i was tired and cranky. Thanks for making profiteroles with homemade chocolate sauce and whipped cream and then telling me they didn’t taste that great anyway, then for not saying anything when 2 mysteriously disappeared overnight because I gave in to my cravings.

Crazy Carol – Girl you are the hardest working fitness freak ever! You have worked so hard in this challenge and am so proud of what you have achieved in such a short time with everything else going on in your life. Don’t ever stop because you have an amazing story!

Michelle & Bianca – for keeping me in check when Una’s and Messina were crying out to me. Thank you for eating pizza in front of me and thai…and chocolate…yeah thanks bitches! haha

Before things get too mushy I have to reflect on where I came from. Before this started my whole life was a mess, I was working in a dead end job, I was addicted to Zoloft and would spend my whole existence in a foggy haze in which I never really felt like I was existing. I drifted from day to day in a moody non-existence, where my feelings were controlled by the amount of food I ate. I drifted away from society finding solace in video games and movies, in which I could just sit back and watch and not have to interact with the outside world. Some would call this agoraphobia, I don’t think I was that bad…or maybe I was. I pushed so many friends away through this illness and have lost many treasured relationships because of the way that I was.

This challenge has brought me out of my shell, to be the happy and loud person I know I really am. I am no longer too shy to hi to people and make new friends. This is always the person that I wanted to be and was when I was younger. 2 years ago I was standing on top of a mountain ready to end it all, I was controlled by medication I was told was going to help, unwilling to help myself and ready to take my own life, I knew that I had to give my life one more shot. I had to find something that worked, I had to find something that would heal me that didn’t involve medication. I spent the next year eating my feelings and remaining stagnant. My dose of the anti-depressants increased and I lost everything. I moved back home with my parents as I lost my job because I had no concentration or reliability. I would spend my nights just in a vacant haze playing video games or watching movies not wanting to interact with the world.

I had to start work again because I thought maybe it would be the thing that would pull me out of my situation. Did it? Of course not! But I kept at it because it got me out of the house and justified my weekends locked away in my room watching movies and playing games. Eating whatever I want, I was consistently putting on weight every week and not caring about what this was doing to my body. It wasn’t until one day at work when I caught myself in the mirror and thought “wow! you are really fat!” and that was the thought that changed my mind. I found a gym on the way home from work so I would be accountable for going, I found a trainer who knew what he was doing and knew about nutrition and could understand and care about my unique situation.

I started going to the gym for a while and was still taking my antidepressants, when this challenge started I took my last one the day before and threw the rest and my prescription away. This was one of the most scariest things I have done in my life, I was leaving myself completely to fitness and to my own mind. I had no idea if I would be ready, would I turn to alcohol and food again as a coping mechanism? The whole idea scared me out of my mind. During this time I could feel my brain getting stronger every day. I poured all of my sadness and depression into my workouts and little by little the wall that was up in my brain, starting slowly deteriorating. It wasn’t easy, there were days when I didn’t want to get out of bed and exercise, I had to force myself out and even when my brain was telling me to cry and lock everything out, I pushed through and forced myself to keep going. I did have support from friends and family but I still believe that the willpower and effort it took me to do this is the biggest breakthrough of this challenge.

So where do I stand now? I don’t even think about the pills anymore, I am not 100% happy all the time but I am happier. I know that I have the strength to overcome anything, I have a strong and healthy core and it can weather any storm that life throws my way. I keep active and fit to stay healthy and this contributes to my happiness, but is not the sole factor of it. This challenge has shifted my brain and my body and I can finally start living again. I have emerged from my self-imposted cocoon of sadness, I have busted through the shell, fighting the whole way and am ready to fight and live an inspiring and meaningful life. This challenge does not stop here, my attitude to food and fitness has changed and I will keep the lessons I have learned here for the rest of my life.

Here is to a happy life, a healthy life, a fit life, a life that is worth talking about, a life that is worth writing about, a life that will hopefully inspire and help someone else. Before this challenge I believed it impossible that fitness could help depression, now I believe that along with counselling, healthy eating, supportive friends and family it is the reason I am still here today. I didn’t wait for someone to save me, I was the sole administrator of my own rescue.

I am stronger than depression, I am larger than loneliness and NOTHING will ever exhaust me.

 

Food For Thought

Last night I had the hunger, the hunger for SCHNITZEL! I wanted it and there was no escaping this craving. I tried exercising, I tried eating my brown rice and chicken breast, praying that my body would accept it as a schnitzel substitute. Ha! Yeah nice try idiot. I barely slept as my stomach growled and begged me to feed it schnitzel, or at the very least more food!

This has NEVER happened to me before, I have never been kept up, deprived of sleep just because of food! What the actual hell? Are you for real brain and body? You seriously haven’t synced up together now and realised that this challenge is real? Also that it is nearly over! Hold out another 11 days you impatient fool. Schnitzel is coming !

I finally fell asleep with only 2 hours before I had to get up and go to work. I stumbled out of bed in the WORST mood I have been in a VERY long time. I apologise now to anyone I had to work with today for my grumpiness and bitchiness today, but I really needed schnitzel!

As I got to work I started to get angry at the challenge, angry that it was restricting from letting me do what I wanted. I got angry that I couldn’t just walk up to a shop and buy a schnitzel wrap. I seriously sat at my desk and nearly cried because I couldn’t have it. I really wish I was joking about this.

I wrote an angry Facebook status update (rookie mistake!) and received comments about putting crushed almonds on chicken (seriously? EW!) and after a vent, a cry and a coffee the world started to look like a better place. I can’t believe I got THAT upset over schnitzel and that I went to this crazy place of cursing out the challenge, fitness and what I am trying to achieve.

I stuck to a chicken salad for lunch and as I finished it I actually began to feel normal again. My body had accepted that this was the food it was getting today and it just had to deal with it, as it has for the last 10 weeks. I hurried back to work with a fresh juice and cried for the second time today because I think I realised that I am a completely different person. The old me would have had a schnitzel last night, doubled it up with bacon and eggs in the morning followed by pasta for lunch along with whatever pastries I could get my hands on during the day. But I did not do this, yes I cried, yes I got upset, yes I questioned myself but I didn’t give in .

Holy crap I have changed, this has actually had a positive effect on me. Really? Wow. After the blind rage and fury I was feeling this morning, it had all gone away because I didn’t go there and instead of chose to make those good food decisions that I have been lacking for the last 30 years. When put into that mentality, it really did shift my thinking and although I am not quite up to almond chicken yet, my friend did give me an amazing recipe for fruit sorbet.

This is what I have come to realise today, food and appetite are linked to your brain, that’s right your brain. Your body can trick your brain into thinking I need schnitzel, or ice cream, or comfort but I have to have the strength to say no, no you don’t! Have this salad and like it god damn it ok! Control your thoughts, control your body.

 

My Revelation

This week was brutal, I stuck to my diet hardcore, I exercised in a public park and managed to factor in some fun as well. I came home for the long weekend and smashed the gym sessions with my whole body writhing  in pain and agony, but I lost 2 kilos this week and I HAVE to be happy with that. With all this weight loss I couldn’t help but think what about the muscle gain?

After a few chats with Levi, I finally realised after some photo taking that I had already built muscle, I was just too focused on my gut to notice it. They are not massive, but it is a great foundation to build upon. I don’t even have to be pumped up to see the muscle growth. This is mainly in my arms, shoulders and legs and I have shaved them down to try and see the difference close up.

I got a little down today about how all of this happened and the distance I have had to place in between myself and other people as I can’t get drunk with people or eat out and while Anzac Day weekend involves a lot of this I found myself not doing much besides working out and while this has been a great way to catch up on Uni work, it is also made me a little sad.

I still feel like I’m caught in between two places right now and I don’t know what to do. I am excited though at the prospect of everything changing, especially my body. As draining as this challenge is, I think I am actually going to miss it. I will miss having amazing PT sessions that push me to my limits, I will miss really watching what I eat and being guilted into pushing myself all week. It sounds crazy but I will miss it.

That being said I lost 3 cms off my stomach this week! 3 cm!! HOLY WHAT? You will also be happy to know that I have also thought about the future of this blog. I will merge it with my personal blog and keep the name Goodbye Fatty. I will still post about my fitness journey, but will also use it to post recipes, workout videos and advice about fitness and my continuous weight loss journey.

A MASSIVE thank you to Levi for sticking with me through this, you have gone through literally every emotion I have the tears, the laughs, the breakdowns, the depression, the complaining, the whining, the screaming, the yelling, a job change, tiredness and most of all the diet thing. You have evolved from a trainer into one of my closest friends and no amount of money could ever repay what you have done in my life. You are always there when I need you as a friend first and trainer second and I am so proud to count you among my friends circle.

Corrine, Wade, Baptiste, Dom, Grace and Mark – you have all been so encouraging every time I have gone to the gym and helped pushed me to work harder and made the gym a fun and social place to keep coming back to.

Kara and Ingrid – wow! What can I say? You two are a pair of the funniest girls I know. Working hard at booty with you has been so much fun. You always make me laugh and are there to listen to my complaining and comments about the hell that Corinne and Levi inflict upon us when we would much rather be drinking coffee and eating eggs bennie! You are not only funny, but you are massively inspiring! You make the gym and boot camp look so damn easy week in, week out it is such an encouragement for me. I am so glad to have met you and can’t wait for this damn thing to finish to get absolutely smashed with you!

Carol – lady you need to write a book! You are so inspiring and your journey is worth sharing! You are funny and so positive. Don’t ever give up on your journey, it has been an honour to share mine with you.

To everyone who has read this blog, commented and sent me encouragement – I cannot begin to thank you for your advice and your loving words. They have meant so much to me and I hope that you have enjoyed reading about my journey as much as I have sharing it.

So if you are wondering what is my revelation? My revelation is this – this journey has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. It has challenged me and shook me to my core, it has forced me to look at my life and change everything that was needing to be changed. I gained a support network who have encouraged, loved and supported me and I could not be more grateful. As much as I have complained about this change, it is a change that is set in my mind for life. I will not stop working on my body, I will care about balance when it comes to my eating and I find I am no longer using food as an emotional crutch. I realised this week that this is a lifestyle change and I will NEVER give up on it. I will never stop caring about my body,  I will never stop pushing myself to become a better person inside and out and I will NEVER let myself down again.

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Holy Shit I Look GOOD

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This week I tried to do one thing, to not look or talk about myself in a negative manner. This lasted about 2 minutes before the thoughts of self loathing and hate crept back in and surprise surprise, I found myself heading down the usual shame spiral. So I decided to take it one step further and buy some “fitted” clothes, as of now all of my clothes hang off me and look like they belong to a clown.

Off I went after work to Zara in Bondi to try some fitted clothes for work, I went 2 sizes down what I normally would and guess what? They fit and they look AMAZING! I know it sounds braggy but it’s true! I looked in the mirror and for the first time I am going to say in my life, I was happy with how I looked. I took a selfie (of course!) to capture the moment and I can’t stop looking at it.

Today I dared to tempt fate and on my exercise route, ran down Oxford Street to Daly Male and tried on two shirts that are M..that is M for MEDIUM and while in the change room praying for them to fit, they easily slid over my head and didn’t cling to me. They fit perfectly. Now here is the embarrassing part, I first of all screamed, and then I cried, and I don’t mean a few lovely tears and a nodding glance to the sky, I mean I broke down in the dressing room and sobbed. I covered my mouth and tried to stifle them as much as I could, seriously who am I?

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I managed to compose myself enough to walk out of the shop with the two t shirts and run straight home to try them on again to make sure that they still fit and it wasn’t some crazy coincidence. This is actually working and I look good! I got a hair cut, new clothes to match my new body and I can honestly say that it was worth every missed ice cream night, every hamburger I skipped, all the time I spent working out when I could have been doing other things has been completely worth it.

It is scary to think that there is only 3 weeks of this challenge left! I can’t imagine how it is going to end, but I am happy with the effort I have put in, and the results I have already are blowing my mind.

Back To The 80’s

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Apologies for the darkness of the last post, I did consider deleting it but I think every step of this journey is important and should be remembered that way. This morning I had to do a weigh in and I was really worried about this one. This week I did the least gym work I have done in the challenge and the weigh in debacle the other night scared the life out of me. So I got on the scales this morning……..88.1! That’s right 88.1!!! That means in the last 7 weeks I have lost 13 kilos!

WOW! I cannot fathom just how much that is! While I was disappointed hoping for the big 15 kilos, I still have to take it in my stride and it is enough to keep going with this challenge and hopefully reach my goal weight of 85. I went to boot camp this morning and left exhausted and it wasn’t until I got home that I realised I am back in the 80’s! I can’t even remember the last time I was in this weight range! I am so happy right now and proud of myself for pushing through this week,even though it was really tough.

Thank you to my friends and family for helping me get through this week and this whole entire thing. I know that I haven’t been any fun to be around or deal with so I thank you.

 

10 kilos and counting!

Well that time has come when I can PROUDLY announced that I have crossed the 10 kilo threshold and am so close to being back in the 80’s again! This week has been VERY trying with a new job and travelling a lot, so my exercise and meal prep time has gone down quite dramatically. This weekend though I went a little off the rails with a big brekkie, loads of coffee, mexican for dinner and some alcohol (ok maybe a fair bit of alcohol!) so today apart from relaxation has been a lot of burpees, sit ups and a big walk to try and make up for it.

So my weekend of 10 celebratory kilos may have gone a little askew but that’s ok. I have a solid plan for this week to maintain my weight loss and keep going strong. I want to lose another 2 kilos this week and am really going to push myself this week to do it and do it right.

This isn’t a long post, just a small update! CHEERS TO 10 AND TO 10 MORE!

 

 

Spot The Difference

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So we are now at the 4 week mark! Some people are saying they can see a difference, some are not. The main point of focus is my shoulders and chest, and to be honest yes I can see a difference here. My arms are getting bigger, after a week of failings last week, this week I feel like I am smashing it. I feel stronger, I feel more energetic, I feel like this is who I am now. The old me is dead and gone, and for the firs time all in a VERY long time (YEARS!) the thoughts of depression and self-loathing are no longer lingering. While I am not riding high on these emotions, I can feel the shift in my thinking and the positive effect it is having on my life and on those around me. I started my week of training harder this week and tonight I REALLY pushed myself with a legs session and smashed a circuit in my last p.t sesh. All of this diet, exercise, clean eating, recovery, while still trying to maintain a “normal” life is starting to come together and I am finding that everything I was worried about it being let go. Things that used to irritate and annoy me, no longer do so, everything in my world has shifted and there is no regrets, there is only forward.

This week I really wanted to highlight someone who has gone above and beyond anything I ever imagined when I started this. Something I have always wanted more of in my life is close friendships with other guys. Now let me clarify I do have friendships with gay men, but find it really hard to relate to straight men and hang out with them. Anyone who has read this before knows who my trainer (Levi) is and the impact he has already had on the beginning of my journey, we are now at week 4 and I think he would agree that this man deserves an award (or at least a holiday!) The constant whinging, complaining, sweating, mood swings, body odour, crying, laughing, dancing is enough to make this straightie run for the hills! But to his credit he hasn’t, he is constantly encouraging me, training with me, pushing me harder every time and he does it all with a (semi!) smile on his face.

I was being a moody myrtle on Monday and took some things personally that I shouldn’t have. I took offence to a few things because my emotional state after the weekend was pretty fragile. Friends I have had in the past would talk about me behind my back and not really want to talk about it. It would be bitched and bitched about it to everyone else and eventually would get back to me, nope not in this case. Talked about, dealt with and moved on. This really made me realise that these are the kind of friendships that must be treasured and kept. Through my complaining he still encouraged me and helped me through a personal situation I was having and made me realise that I don’t have to accept the rotten fruit anymore. Anyone who isn’t supporting and encouraging just needs to be cut loose and I need to move on. I have had people cut me out of their lives without talking about it or mentioning it, and knowing how much it annoys me, I have always hesitated to do the same. But now I see the benefit of doing this, and why for my own mental health it is necessary.

Levi mate, I hope you are reading this, I can never repay you for the impact you have had on my life, I can’t wait to be completely transformed and have you standing next to me at the end of it. You are one of the most inspiring men I have ever met and feel privileged to count you among my friends. You are not only amazing at your job, you are a role model in the community and hope you know this. So before I continue to inflate your already over sized head, I will just say we have another 8 weeks! Thanks for sticking with me and I promise I will make it to boot camp this Saturday (maybe!)

It All Started With A Hamburger…

For those who have read my last post about the terrifying Saturday I went through, you will know what head space I was in at the time. Well let’s just say that the events that followed after writing that post have changed my life forever and it all started with a hamburger…

I decided that being that it was one of those days I may as well go nuts and have a works hamburger and end the horrible day crying in bed about how fat I am. It was a solid plan in my head, so I decidedly walked to the take away shop (yes it is only 5 houses away, but still it was walking!) Stepped through the door and into the heavy smell of fry oil and grease. I felt like I was at home, I paid for my hamburger and walked home. I sat down, unwrapped the burger and took a bite. Oh my fucking god…bread! BREAD! (well technically a roll but still!) After my brain processed that I was eating bread again I started to relax again, I swallowed, took another bite and hmm what is that? I don’t like it…I just don’t like it…I let the bite settle for a few minutes and then as I reached to pick up the burger again, up it all came.

I was in the toilet heaving, emptying out my stomach over and over, it was just spewing (sorry!) out of me and not just the two bites I had eaten. I felt something shift spiritually and emotionally inside me as well. I was spewing out bile and at the same time I felt a large chunk of my depression heaving out of me as well. Just when I thought this couldn’t get any weirder, I crawled to bed with a large bottle of water (yes the dildo sized bottle Levi!) and curled up in the foetal position and tried to sleep. Instead I started crying, and I don’t mean just a couple of tears, I mean bawling, tears flooding down, sheets stained (from the tears!) and my body started shaking.

I thought maybe the take away shop had started putting LSD in their burgers, but the sense part of my brain kicked in and told me “Shut up you fatty! You couldn’t even control yourself for a few weeks, you are always going to be fat, you are always going to be a loser, none is ever EVER going to love you, look at you, you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re grumpy, you’re mean, you’re a loner, people get sick of you after a few weeks because you are a loser and they just hate being around you, because who you are is a joke!”

It was after this that the most interesting thing that has EVER happened to me, happened. From somewhere deep inside me a voice awoke, a strong, confident voice screamed out of my lungs “SHUT UP!” and when I saw screamed out, I mean quite literally screamed out loud! “SHUT UP! YOU ARE DEAD! YOU HAVE RULED MY BODY AND MY MIND FOR TOO LONG AND IT ENDS NOW! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG I AM, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW AMAZING I AM, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM AND IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!” I screamed for what felt like 20 minutes, but in reality was more like 30 seconds and I fell into the deepest, heaviest sleep I have had in a very long time.

My body rested till 10:00 am, the longest sleep in I have had in a long time, and I awoke feeling like this depressed, unhappy, angry, fat side of me was completely dead. Instead I felt like there was a light, a warm, glowing light just flickering inside me and it made me feel good. I went about my morning convinced that this was just temporary, and then the afternoon hit and the feeling was still there, night time, still there.

I had an interesting talk with Levi about what is going on with me and we discussed that the old me is the one with the cravings, the old one is fighting for the new me to fail, the old me wants the new me to die, because they cannot co-exist.

I truly believe that what happened to me last night has changed me forever. It has only been 24 hours but I really feel like the only way I can explain it is a seismic shift happened internally and the tectonic plates of happiness have moved in a way to let out the person I want to be and force the old me out and it all started with a hamburger.

So to myself I make this pledge. I will never become that lazy person again, I will never become that complacent, that whiney, grumpy, fat, aimless loser EVER AGAIN. I will never accept that person as my character again. I will no longer tolerate friends who emotionally blackmail me, I will no longer hang around people who are two faced, I will no longer tolerate people who don’t accept me as I am.

** A few thank you’s! First of all to Levi for accepting the phone calls, sms’s, lunches, gym sessions where I have been this person I am so sorry to put you through that and so happy that you are a true friend and have helped push me like none has before. To my friends who are still my friends, thank you for putting up with my flakiness, I apologise and can only hope that we can begin to rebuild our friendships based on who I am now. To my family for having to live with me and not giving up on me.