This week I had an anniversary, it has been 1 year since I moved to Sydney and started working in the industry that I wanted to work in. Looking back when I moved here I was so full of promise, so full of hope, so excited about the future for myself and what my life would hold. It is no secret that over the last 6 months things have taken a turn. I have lost that hope, that excitement, I put on 5 kilos and have just gone back to existing. While it was happening I really had no control over it and really did not notice it until a new friend pointed this out to me (something for which I will be FOREVER grateful!)
Over the last few weeks I have reflected and considered everything that has happened in the last twelve months, re-evaluating where I have been and what I want to do, it has been a long and hard process with many lists (thanks Nicole!), phone conversations, consultations and some alone time to really for lack of a better phrase “sort my shit out” I finally hit the nail on the head.
When I moved to Sydney, I expected to learn, to grow, to get everything that a capital city could offer, what never did occur to me was the fact that I had to really do anything to get that. The good old phrase “You get back what you give out” never crossed my mind, I just expected that things would happen because of where I was and where I worked, I never thought for a second that I had to work at it and for the last 6 months I have just been sitting complacent.
A few times this has come up over the last few weeks with a few friends and I never really thought too much about it, till a new friend told me last night over our first dinner that “If you don’t work at it, Sydney will chew you up and spit you out!” and it’s true. I have not made friends here because well honestly I don’t know, I just kind of expected it to happen automatically, the same goes with work, with study, with everything and it is not the person who I wanted to be when I moved here.
I alone am responsible for what has happened and how I got to be in this position, I let myself go back and didn’t have the strength or support to stop it. I take full responsibility for this and dedicate to pulling myself out of it and getting back on track.
Today I finally finished Glee, a show that I have loved since day one, and while people may complain about the music and the direction of the show, it was always amazing to me. The message of the show REALLY shone through in the last season that Glee is about opening yourself up to joy and my favourite line from the show “See the world not as it is, but as it should be.” This is something that I am really going to try and live by moving forward, it is so easy to get bogged down in the worries of the world and other people’s emotions, and it is something that I know I am really susceptible to and have only just discovered this.
I also spent today reading back my previous posts and wanting to get back to that person, and while I can never be “that person” again, I can be someone with more experience, more information and more self aware than I was before. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I know what I have to do to shape it to be how I want it to be and how it ultimately should be.
This week I start training again, with a trainer and I am so excited about getting some motivation back into the fitness area of my life. I have been cutting back my portion sizes this last couple of weeks and this has been a challenge in itself.
It has been such a difficult couple of months and while the whole thing was escalating I never really knew what was happening, I just thought I was having a bad day, or bad week and let it go over to the next week. But now I have a grand plan, a short term and long term plan with a checking system to make sure I don’t head back into this place again. From here on in I just have to take it day by day.