It has been a few weeks since the challenge ended and while my exercise regime has continued, my eating well has definitely not. Gorging on beautiful food has been my reward for this and I must say I can feel days when I eat clean and feel good, and then ones in which there are no holds barred and I feel like absolute arse.
So let’s get to the actual point of this post. The night finally came for the winners to be announced for YNB, I had a room full of supportive friends and was convinced that no way on this actual earth would they ever pick me as the winner for this. So many others have lost so much more weight than I have, and I told myself in my mind that even if I don’t win, I already have. I started this to lose weight and I achieved that, and if that was all that came of it then I would be happy with that.
The photos were being organised and displayed on a massive projector on the wall and the thought of everyone seeing this freaked me out. No-one had clearly drank enough to see these photos!! The name’s were called and as I made my way to the front I realised that this was it, the moment I had been waiting for my whole life, the moment to make a difference, to be something had finally arrived.
The list of name’s were called out and the winner’s announcement….Alaisdair Dewar. What? Seriously? I won the competition for my club? Are you serious?!?!?! I am sorry to say that my speech was fumbled and everytime I tried to do it properly I started crying so I made it short and sweet and stumbled back to my place in the crowd to process what the actual fuck had just happened.
I took photos, smiled, and my reaction was just stillness and complete shock. I went to the bathroom for a few minutes just to sit by myself and process everything. I had a little bit of a cry and realised that it was still all too much to deal with right now. I washed my face and headed back out into the room and lost myself in the laughs and conversation with my friends.
It wasn’t until I got home that what had happened really hit me. I bawled like a little baby, not just a little bit, a lot, full ugly cry, and it was not pretty at all! I had been holding onto so much over this competition and so much in my life has changed, I hadn’t given myself time to process everything just yet. Everytime I tried to stop, the tears just kept coming and it felt like all of the poison, all of the shit, all of the depression, all of the lonlieness, all of the pain was oozing out of my body through my tears and falling away, never to return. As this thought dawned on me I pushed out as many as I could and began mentally letting go of every little naggy thing I was holding onto. Old grudges, bad attitudes, regrets, fears, all kinds of things were pouring out and I was determined to not miss a single one.
As I reflected upon that night and realised that after this whole thing just how much my friends circle, my family situation, my work situation, my personal situation has changed dramatically. I no longer accept bad friends or dodgy, lying backstabbing creeps. I only welcome those who support, uplift and are the very definition of a friend in front of and behind your back. I have successfully gained people in my life who are genuine and care about me and I about them. I am a lot closer with my family now and am feeling the love and support of all of them around me like I never have before.
So I guess this is the lesson – be careful who you let in your life. They can appear genuine and caring and they say all the right things but when push comes to shove they have a completely difference face. Driving back to Sydney I started crying (again!) and I made myself a promise. I promise myself that I will no longer accept this kind of behaviour from people, I will no longer tolerate users and liars, I will distance myself far away from them and to use one of my favourite author’s Elizabeth Gilbert’s analogy of treating our minds like a harbour, I share with you this
I’ve started being vigilant about watchng my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: “I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.” Everytime a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow.
The first time I heard myself say this, my inner ear perked up at the word “harbor”, which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry.I pictured the harbor of my mind – a little beat up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. The island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now let the word go out across the seven seas – there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here any more with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts – all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assasins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways – you may not come here anymore either.
Cannabilistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind – otherwise, I shall turn you all back to the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end.”
I love this quote, I relish this quote, I have been reading it every morning and moulding my thinking in a similar way. So this morning I woke up and decided that the time for tears was over and the time for celebration was to begin. I spent the morning with my new friends exercising, breakfasting and chatting and I sat back and realised that I am actually unbelievably happy right now. I don’t need pills, I don’t need food, I don’t need material things to keep me in a state of happiness, all I need is me. The enormous and empty void that was in my life has shrunk down to nothing now and I feel like for the first time in my life that this the person I am meant to be.
This is the Alaisdair that should have been awakened years ago, this is the Alaisdair that will look after himself, this is the Alaisdair that won’t take your shit any longer, this is the Alaisdair that is going to succeed and be somebody. This is the Alaisdair that is ready to head out into the world and be a fighter.
So I will stop ranting now and leave you with this, it was not until last night reflecting upon photos that I could see a massive difference in how I look. I feel like a completely different person, and while I still have my “feeling fat” days they are few and far between now. My fitness journey is FAR from over and I am hoping for defined abs and some form of pectoral muscles in the next 6 – 8 months (once I go back to clean eating!) So stay with me, I will be updating here still but for now I farewell the 12 week challenge and am excited to move in to the next chapter of my life.