Last night I went out on a date with a guy who I have been talking to for a couple of years now. He has visited Newcastle, I have visited Sydney, we always chatted but never actually met up. He was always in and out of relationships, I was going through my stuff so it just never really worked out. In some crazy twist of fate we started talking again when I came back down here again and by some strange alignment of the fates, he is single again.
I was walking through Coles picking things out for dinner when out of the blue he called and asked if I wanted to meet up for dinner tonight. I had put it off for so long, what was I waiting for now? Ok I’ll have dinner with you. I walked out of the shops, hung up the phone and started to panic. What if we met and he didn’t like me after all this time? What if he thought I was too fat? too ugly? too annoying? What am I doing ? Maybe I should wait until the challenge is over as I will be skinnier then? What was I going to wear?
Thankfully I had a friend with me to calm me down and talk me into still going and just wearing whatever I felt comfortable and like myself in. So I did, I hurried home, tidied myself up a bit and got ready for the date. He picked me up and took me to a beautiful restaurant in Paddington.
If there is one thing I can do it is talk, and talk I did. I barely came up for air, I talked so much about myself, about the challenge, about the gym, about my trainer, about my job, my websites and to his credit he listened to the whole thing without interrupting me. When the food arrived and my chatter finally stopped he started talking about himself. He has the most amazing face, beautiful teeth and a smile that can stop traffic. This poor, poor guy is on a date with me, he must be hating it. We started talking about favourite tv shows, books, movies, places to go, travel and this is how we made a connection. We liked the same places, same food, same tv shows, same movies, same books. We agreed on what food to order without any arguments and it fit in perfectly with my eating plan, brown rice, chicken, snow pea. Seriously this guy is too good to be true!
A few hours and a few wine’s later, we were still talking, the conversation was flowing freely and he kept leaning in to touch my arm or brush up against me and I felt something that I haven’t felt in a long time. Butterflies, completely crazy, body spasming butterflies. I went weak and lost my train of thought, I did this every time he smiled (which is A LOT!) He told me about his charity work, his family and the things he does for the community and this was when I knew that this guy was beyond special.
We had to end the night and we ended up making out in his car (so high school, yet so hot!) and as I forcibly removed myself from the passenger seat so I wouldn’t be the slut that gives it up on the first date, I headed inside and the butterflies were still there. We messaged each other all night until we fell asleep and then all day at work I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I tried to play it cool and not message him but of course I did and the butterflies still kept circling all day.
At lunch time I started thinking, I have just finally gotten to a place where I am happy with myself, why do I want to now add someone else into that mix? Do I have time? Do I have room in my life for someone yet? Am I ready? Aren’t I just finding out who I am? Isn’t this going to confuse things? What if this undoes all of the hard work I have put into myself? The thing that I am most worried about is how do I be in a relationship without losing myself in it?
Traditionally in the past this is my pattern, I lose myself completely in the other person and as a result, I suffer. But this is how I am in a relationship. When you are with me, you get ALL of me. You can have my time, my heart, my attention, my money, my love, my clothes, my car, my computer, and when your mum’s second aunt’s goddaughter has a birthday, I will find the perfect present and buy it, wrap it and make sure it is exactly what she wants. I give all of myself until I am so emotionally depleted, that I have exhausted you and myself and you no longer desire me.
This is how I have been traditionally in a relationship, and the thought of going into this again scares the shit out of me. I do not want to be alone forever, I do want a special someone, but at what cost? Now I am finding myself stuck at a point of what to do, do I go for it and just pay it by ear and see what happens? Or do I keep my distance and sort all of my stuff out before going into this?
I have had a really good week with eating and exercising and this is what I am trying to focus on. I am looking forward to seeing “him” again and see where things go I guess. Relationships are complicated and messy and I like that but don’t know how to exist in either a relationship with myself, or with someone else?