Sometimes I just need to shut up, I mean seriously shut the fuck up you idiot! This week I had plans (if you recall) of going hard, going strong and doing it tough! While my eating has been amazing, my workouts not so much. By the time I get home I am that exhausted and exasperated I just can’t bear the thought of going to the gym and working out. My mind collapsed…not only that to make matters work my old friends who I thought were dead and buried, have re-emerged, full guns a blazing, hell bent on bringing me back down.
Last night I felt ok, I had a really good day at work, I was reflecting on all the changes that had been brought my way recently and I was really happy. That is until I tried to go to sleep…I drifted for about an hour in and out of consciousness, and the suddenly I woke up with a start, I sat up in bed and and could feel the air had changed ,that thick, heavy feeling surrounded me and I could feel myself starting to choke.
Depression and loneliness had once again re-entered my bedroom and forced their way into my world. Together they formed a choke-hold and as I gasped for air I could feel the full force of their haunting chants, worse than they had ever been before “Who do you think you are going to Sydney? You are going to crash and burn! You will come back here, tail between your legs!” “You’re nobody!” “You’re such a fucking loser, you really think this is going to work out? HA! It never does so give up now you moron!” “You will never be anything! Noone will ever want to be with you! You are still fat!” “You are so butt ugly! Seriously just be content being fat and ugly, because no matter how much you work out, you will still be fucking ugly!” “Why don’t you just do it, you have thought about it before, just do it! Be done with this life!” And with that final comment the floodgates on my heart opened and I began to weep for what felt like hours. I cried because I listened, I cried because in my head I agreed with what they were telling me. Who do I think I am? I can’t do this, I can’t be this person! I am a loser, maybe I should just die.
I cried for another thirty minutes and then got out of bed to re-hydrate with some water. I looked at myself in the mirror and began crying again. I lay down in the bathtub staring at my body, looking at the changes, the horrid stretch marks and running my finger over them kept at it. I had to get this all out now. So I kept crying, 2am, I was still crying, 3 am I was still crying, 4am…well now I have to go to work on like 45 minutes sleep. I slept the whole way to work on the train (something that I rarely do!) and somehow I got through the day. I painted a forced smile on my face and got through it, distracting myself with the business of the city.
I got on the train to come home and started watching some TV on my laptop and out of nowhere I started crying, I slid on my sunglasses and just let the tears flow. Why was I crying? Why was I like this? “Because you’re weak!” “And you’re fat!” “And you’re single!” That’s right the two guys had gone mobile and began following me around now. The whole ride home they were whispering in my ear and I was crying and I felt like for the first time in a long time I just wanted to collapse in my seat and maybe I didn’t want to be here anymore.
I barely just made it through my workout and now I’m at home…I can still feel them hovering behind me and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have pills to take anymore, I don’t have an outlet and I honestly don’t know how to deal with everything that is going on in my life right now. I feel empty and like I have peaked, I have stopped losing weight, I have no energy to work out and I should really end this post right now.
My question is, what do you do when you have exhausted all avenues?