For those who have read my last post about the terrifying Saturday I went through, you will know what head space I was in at the time. Well let’s just say that the events that followed after writing that post have changed my life forever and it all started with a hamburger…
I decided that being that it was one of those days I may as well go nuts and have a works hamburger and end the horrible day crying in bed about how fat I am. It was a solid plan in my head, so I decidedly walked to the take away shop (yes it is only 5 houses away, but still it was walking!) Stepped through the door and into the heavy smell of fry oil and grease. I felt like I was at home, I paid for my hamburger and walked home. I sat down, unwrapped the burger and took a bite. Oh my fucking god…bread! BREAD! (well technically a roll but still!) After my brain processed that I was eating bread again I started to relax again, I swallowed, took another bite and hmm what is that? I don’t like it…I just don’t like it…I let the bite settle for a few minutes and then as I reached to pick up the burger again, up it all came.
I was in the toilet heaving, emptying out my stomach over and over, it was just spewing (sorry!) out of me and not just the two bites I had eaten. I felt something shift spiritually and emotionally inside me as well. I was spewing out bile and at the same time I felt a large chunk of my depression heaving out of me as well. Just when I thought this couldn’t get any weirder, I crawled to bed with a large bottle of water (yes the dildo sized bottle Levi!) and curled up in the foetal position and tried to sleep. Instead I started crying, and I don’t mean just a couple of tears, I mean bawling, tears flooding down, sheets stained (from the tears!) and my body started shaking.
I thought maybe the take away shop had started putting LSD in their burgers, but the sense part of my brain kicked in and told me “Shut up you fatty! You couldn’t even control yourself for a few weeks, you are always going to be fat, you are always going to be a loser, none is ever EVER going to love you, look at you, you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re grumpy, you’re mean, you’re a loner, people get sick of you after a few weeks because you are a loser and they just hate being around you, because who you are is a joke!”
It was after this that the most interesting thing that has EVER happened to me, happened. From somewhere deep inside me a voice awoke, a strong, confident voice screamed out of my lungs “SHUT UP!” and when I saw screamed out, I mean quite literally screamed out loud! “SHUT UP! YOU ARE DEAD! YOU HAVE RULED MY BODY AND MY MIND FOR TOO LONG AND IT ENDS NOW! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG I AM, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW AMAZING I AM, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM AND IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!” I screamed for what felt like 20 minutes, but in reality was more like 30 seconds and I fell into the deepest, heaviest sleep I have had in a very long time.
My body rested till 10:00 am, the longest sleep in I have had in a long time, and I awoke feeling like this depressed, unhappy, angry, fat side of me was completely dead. Instead I felt like there was a light, a warm, glowing light just flickering inside me and it made me feel good. I went about my morning convinced that this was just temporary, and then the afternoon hit and the feeling was still there, night time, still there.
I had an interesting talk with Levi about what is going on with me and we discussed that the old me is the one with the cravings, the old one is fighting for the new me to fail, the old me wants the new me to die, because they cannot co-exist.
I truly believe that what happened to me last night has changed me forever. It has only been 24 hours but I really feel like the only way I can explain it is a seismic shift happened internally and the tectonic plates of happiness have moved in a way to let out the person I want to be and force the old me out and it all started with a hamburger.
So to myself I make this pledge. I will never become that lazy person again, I will never become that complacent, that whiney, grumpy, fat, aimless loser EVER AGAIN. I will never accept that person as my character again. I will no longer tolerate friends who emotionally blackmail me, I will no longer hang around people who are two faced, I will no longer tolerate people who don’t accept me as I am.
** A few thank you’s! First of all to Levi for accepting the phone calls, sms’s, lunches, gym sessions where I have been this person I am so sorry to put you through that and so happy that you are a true friend and have helped push me like none has before. To my friends who are still my friends, thank you for putting up with my flakiness, I apologise and can only hope that we can begin to rebuild our friendships based on who I am now. To my family for having to live with me and not giving up on me.