Thank fuck it’s friday…this is what I have been saying to myself all week…thank fuck it’s fucking friday and I fucking made it. If you haven’t already guessed it has been one of the worst weeks I have had in a long time. It all started on Sunday…I didn’t leave the house, just spent the day in bed, watching movies, relaxing, doing washing, nothing that really would set off any triggers, and then around 3pm it just hit me like a ton of wet cement, pouring down my head, dripping into my nostrils, pouring in my heart, lungs, liver and stomach and then slowly, agonisingly dripping to my toes. It froze me completely and I was shell shocked to do anything, I looked in the mirror, I cried, I watched a tv show (a comedy by the way!) I cried, I tried to make dinner, I cried.
Monday morning I woke up and nothing had changed, I was still feeling the same, if not worse than I had the day before. So I took a shower and still didn’t feel any better so I opened my bedside table drawer, pulled out my emergency stash of Zoloft and popped it. A few hours later at work I could feel the full effect of the drug taking over my system. I went completely numb, that is to say my body went about it’s routine’s of the day, doing what it had to do at work, it even was happy to customers (god knows where it pulled that one from!) and all the while I felt like I was outside my body watching the whole thing with no power to stop it or control what was happening. I even forced myself to go to the gym and this was even worse, I could not feel the effects of the workout, I don’t even recall what my trainer said or what he instructed me to do. My body just did it willingly and I was watching from just outside my body, trying to feel anything.
By the middle of the week I forced myself not to keep taking them and to just try and keep positive and be happy. Yeah fucking right! (I would apologise for all of the use of the F word, but this is the only way to emphasise just how horrendously bad this week was) It seemed to slide downhill and get even worse, but this time I had no numbness I just had pure melancholy and it turned into hate. I hated my job, I hated my co-workers, I hated my friends, I hated my dog, I hated my car and worst of all I fucking hated myself.
Friday came around and I woke a lot happier than I had all week. I still hated work but I was a lot more positive about the world and my situation. Work was so busy I didn’t have time to think about anything, so I made it through the day and before I knew it, it was over and it was time to go to the gym for another session (seriously I sound like a gym-bot I promise I am not!) I made it through the session and left feeling well high, not like drugged out of my mind high, but happy on life.
Thinking about what I was re-evaluating all week, the only conclusion I could come up with was not to rush anything. I had several options all planned out and several things happened that stopped these plans from eventuating, so I spent time evaluating more plans and seeing what had happened. After talking about these plans with one of my friends he bodily suggested “Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your evaluations” I couldn’t stop thinking about this, I was first furious at the suggestion, but the more I considered it, the clearer things became.
Throw another 3 months at it, what is the worst that can happen? sit on it, don’t make a rush move just because you feel like time is running out, throw another 3 months at it and see what happens. Also in this time frame comes the 12 week challenge, something that I really want to do. I want to transform my body and pray that it does some good for my mind as well.
“The best laid plans are put to rest” I could not agree more with this statement this week and this is exactly what I intend to do, put them to rest for three months and just focus on my body. On another horrifyingly note in a mere three days I will having another birthday and I am terrified about being this certain age and not having accomplished everything I thought I would by this age. This could have been the source of my downward spiral, or it could just be a culmination of things swirling together and screwing me around.
Either way I made it through another week and I am happy to say that I am in a much better place. Thank you to my friends who were there for me this week I know I was crazy, annoying, erratic and whiny (and I can hear you all saying in your heads “Ha what do you mean this week”) I really appreciate each and every one of you, thank you, thank you, thank you.